anna+dating, part two: haven't met you yet!

so valentine's day is this weekend. in that, i can't help but think back to last valentine's day...and how i thought this year was going to be so completely different from the way it actually is going to be. i believe somewhere i still have a card i was given last year promising something along the lines of "today will be special in our own way and next year will be even more special in another way." it saddens me to think of the heartbreak that evolved and came and went in the last 365 days.

that being said, i will not be single forever. {although somedays it feels like it! haha} i will find someone who is a million times a better man than i've ever known...or dreamt of knowing. and to whoever you are, this one's for you.

a friend of mine is having people over sunday night, and calling it an "i just haven't met you yet" valentine's party. i actually really love that idea! its so cute! {why aren't i that creative??} and not only is it cute, it's thought-provoking and makes me so much more optimistic during a time that is kinda depressing for us single-folk. and what's even more awesome is what billy graham once said:

"God is even more interested in your future and your relationships than you are."

anna+dating, part one: what a girl wants.

{i titled this 'part one' because i'm sure there will be future entries about me+dating haha!!}
i've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships lately. it's been 10 {very long, but also very short} months since my last relationship ended. the death of that romance was probably the hardest thing i've dealt with in life, thus far. for months {and months...and months...you get the picture} it haunted me in my personal life, my spiritual walk, and in my ability to date again. now that i finally feel ready to move forward and into a new season of life, i am faced with a new difficulty: finding a good, Jesus-loving man--who i am compatible with. don't get me wrong: i've found plenty of great Christian guys...hence my addition of "who i am compatible with." and let me go even further and say that besides being compatible, i want a butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling. i know this exists somewhere!

almost a year ago, i felt a painful hole in my heart when a relationship ended. but what i felt before that, and for a while after that, was a butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling. if there is one thing i can look back at and be thankful for, it is the truth i learned that that kind of love exists. that was something i can honestly say i had never gotten to experience before--i thought before that relationship that i knew what love was. but in those bittersweet months i can look back and realize that i loved someone with an intensity and selflessness that i didn't know i was capable of.

in past relationships, my decisions were always based on what i wanted. i picked fights over things i didn't like, and to be quite honest, i'd be a total brat so that i'd get my way. i looked for what i could get out from the relationship. {looking back i can't believe how i was sometimes! hindsight is always 20/20, huh?} everything in my head revolved around a couple of words: me, myself, and i. now mind you, this wasn't always a conscious thought process. i had good intentions, i thought. i had never known anything different...i thought that's how relationships worked: look for someone to make you happy. if you felt loved, then the relationship was great...no need to fix anything. but--my last relationship was the exact opposite! i found myself caring more for his feelings than my own. i found myself wanting to protect his reputation more than mine. i constantly looked for ways to make him happy, out of my appreciation for having him in my life. and i thanked God daily for having brought him into my world. instead of wanting to just receive all the love and attention, i felt like i couldn't help but overflow with love and appreciation for all that he was. {re-reading this paragraph, i feel like it doesn't even begin to truly express my feelings. my simplest attempt to explain is this: in the past it was always take, take, take...with him i only wanted to give, give, give...to the infinite degree. there. hopefully that's easier.}

people tell me i'm too picky now. but it boils down to this: i want to meet someone and instantly feel like God put them in that place for the purpose of us meeting. i want to care so much for that person's happiness, spiritual walk and integrity that i set my own selfish desires aside. i want to get giddy just thinking about the chance to see them later. and i want to feel God leading me into that relationship. so--am i too picky for having this checklist? personally i don't think so. i know that i am capable of feeling a selfless, crazy love...and i won't settle for someone who will just make me happy.

in the meantime, all i can do is work on my own relationship with God. and i need to daily remind myself to trust His timing...trust His plan...trust Him period.

{disclaimer: my last relationship wasn't at all what i thought it was; BUT that fact doesn't void my feelings. they were real. my side was true--even if nothing else was.}