anna+dating, part one: what a girl wants.

{i titled this 'part one' because i'm sure there will be future entries about me+dating haha!!}
i've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships lately. it's been 10 {very long, but also very short} months since my last relationship ended. the death of that romance was probably the hardest thing i've dealt with in life, thus far. for months {and months...and months...you get the picture} it haunted me in my personal life, my spiritual walk, and in my ability to date again. now that i finally feel ready to move forward and into a new season of life, i am faced with a new difficulty: finding a good, Jesus-loving man--who i am compatible with. don't get me wrong: i've found plenty of great Christian guys...hence my addition of "who i am compatible with." and let me go even further and say that besides being compatible, i want a butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling. i know this exists somewhere!

almost a year ago, i felt a painful hole in my heart when a relationship ended. but what i felt before that, and for a while after that, was a butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling. if there is one thing i can look back at and be thankful for, it is the truth i learned that that kind of love exists. that was something i can honestly say i had never gotten to experience before--i thought before that relationship that i knew what love was. but in those bittersweet months i can look back and realize that i loved someone with an intensity and selflessness that i didn't know i was capable of.

in past relationships, my decisions were always based on what i wanted. i picked fights over things i didn't like, and to be quite honest, i'd be a total brat so that i'd get my way. i looked for what i could get out from the relationship. {looking back i can't believe how i was sometimes! hindsight is always 20/20, huh?} everything in my head revolved around a couple of words: me, myself, and i. now mind you, this wasn't always a conscious thought process. i had good intentions, i thought. i had never known anything different...i thought that's how relationships worked: look for someone to make you happy. if you felt loved, then the relationship was great...no need to fix anything. but--my last relationship was the exact opposite! i found myself caring more for his feelings than my own. i found myself wanting to protect his reputation more than mine. i constantly looked for ways to make him happy, out of my appreciation for having him in my life. and i thanked God daily for having brought him into my world. instead of wanting to just receive all the love and attention, i felt like i couldn't help but overflow with love and appreciation for all that he was. {re-reading this paragraph, i feel like it doesn't even begin to truly express my feelings. my simplest attempt to explain is this: in the past it was always take, take, take...with him i only wanted to give, give, give...to the infinite degree. there. hopefully that's easier.}

people tell me i'm too picky now. but it boils down to this: i want to meet someone and instantly feel like God put them in that place for the purpose of us meeting. i want to care so much for that person's happiness, spiritual walk and integrity that i set my own selfish desires aside. i want to get giddy just thinking about the chance to see them later. and i want to feel God leading me into that relationship. so--am i too picky for having this checklist? personally i don't think so. i know that i am capable of feeling a selfless, crazy love...and i won't settle for someone who will just make me happy.

in the meantime, all i can do is work on my own relationship with God. and i need to daily remind myself to trust His timing...trust His plan...trust Him period.

{disclaimer: my last relationship wasn't at all what i thought it was; BUT that fact doesn't void my feelings. they were real. my side was true--even if nothing else was.}