like a lightning bolt.

this will be short, and to-the-point.

{i hear you laughing, those of you who know me. i promise, it will be!}

a patient made me cry today. i was filling out his cataract surgery papers, and i began to cry right there in front of him. here's why: he told me that this was his second time scheduling this surgery; that his wife had died a few weeks before his original surgery date. i looked in the chart, and saw that date was just in september of this last year. i said, "oh, i'm so sorry to hear that. i can't imagine." he took this as his go-ahead to continue the story. you know, sometimes all a person wants is to have someone listen. its hard to carry hurt all alone, it needs to be let out.

he proceeded to tell me that he has been with his wife for 63 years, and that they were married for 62 of them. i asked him how old he was when he met her. he replied, "i was 19, she was 18. i will never forget the day that i met her, either. she was beautiful and kind. i couldn't stop staring. and it was like a lightning bolt hit me in the back of the head, and i realized, 'this is her, this is the girl you are going to make your wife,' and then a year later, i did. they told her last year that she had a month to live, and put her in the hospital. she died in there."

i looked up at him with the biggest lump in my throat, and the nile river building up in my eyes, and said, "gosh, you're making me cry!" he just smiled a sad smile, and i could tell he still loved her as much then as he did 63 years ago.

one day - be it now or months or years from now - i want someone to love me that much. and i want love to hit me like a lightning bolt.

bits and pieces of this week.

so--in the past 2 days i have had a MILLION blog ideas. well, maybe not quite a million, but close enough to it. let me try and limit this entry to only the thoughts in my head that would be worth sharing:

1. on monday, i overheard pieces of a conversation that some patients were having. a few elderly ladies were sitting in our dilation area, and discussing their husbands. it was heartbreaking, i walked up in time to hear one say, "he's been gone a year, next month. it was so hard to believe when it happened, just weeks before he was tending to the lawn and doing yard work, being so active." another piped in, "i'm so sorry. my husband has been in the hospital for a number of weeks and i don't know if i'll ever get to bring him home. its hard because i love him so much, i don't want to see him there." it really hit me hard, bringing a lump to my throat while i stood in the middle of the hallway. don't get me wrong, i'm not oblivious to the fact that we all get old and death is something that no one in the history of the world has been able to dodge. but listening to these women discuss losing their true love--it hit a spot in my heart. it makes me want to know more of their stories. did they be sure to never take that person for granted? did they know to cherish every moment and take every opportunity to make a normal everyday memory into a special one? i'm just curious. do i do those things? do you?

2. a guy under the age of 60 flirted with me a little today at the hospital. let me explain why that's exciting: i work at an ophthalmology office. meaning eye surgeons. meaning that while we do a lot of lasik surgeries for 20something year olds, we do way more glaucoma lasers and cataract surgeries. what age group does that target? 60+...so usually, the standard line i hear at the hospital is from a toothless elderly man asking me to come home with him so i can administer his eyedrops. {oh, romance.} so imagine my grin and blushing cheeks when a cute {20-30something} drug rep kept bumping into me today {on purpose i think!}, and he then told a surgical assistant that he and i had "had a moment". when the surgical assistant told me he'd said that, and that he was out in the hall way, and that i should talk to him before i left, it only made me blush and try to avoid him more. ha! but--he did see me as i was trying to sneak out the door, and he called from down the hall, "i didn't get to get your name!" i told him my name and then i left. i am horrible at this dating thing.

3. i am getting more and more certain of what i'm looking for in my next relationship. i just need to take this opportunity to put it into words. i want someone who will know when to scoot closer to me and squeeze my hand, and know when to sit back and let me be my own person. i want them to postpone the first kiss as long as possible, yet make me wish every date that THAT day is the day it will finally happen. i want them to love going out and having a fun time, but all the while loving Jesus more than anything. i need someone who understands that in many different ways and meanings, i am a mess, but will love me for it anyway.

4. i am convinced that the girls i have in my 11th-12th grade church group are the most amazing girls. i am learning so much from them! they are incredible and i am so blessed to have the chance to have my voice heard in their worlds. last night, talking with them about Jesus--i must say, that was the highlight of my week! their views and thoughts and hurts and joys are so very unique. it is nothing short of a blessing that i have the chance to be a part of their lives.

i think that's enough for one blog entry. i need to save SOMETHING for next time. :)

what am i living for?

i heard some song lyrics recently that have inspired my daily outlook on life. i'm completely obsessed with living these words:

"i will live to carry Your compassion into a world that's broken-to be Your hands and feet. and i will give with the life that i've been given, and go beyond religion to see your world be changed by the power of Your name." {via lincoln brewster/darlene zschech}

wow. it's been a while {well, a few months anyway} since i've dwelt on something and really chewed on what it means, as much as i have these lyrics. i want to dissect them a little bit--

i will live to carry Your compassion -- what does that look like in our daily lives? obviously the "Your" i'm referring to is Christ's. Christ's compassion was timeless, patient. it didn't discriminate. it was joyous. not for a day, not just around certain people he liked hanging out with. it was for all people, from all walks of life. it was for all of eternity. do people look at you and see something different? i'm talking to my fellow Christians, here. our visual field tech asked me a few weeks ago asked me what i was doing after work. i told her that i was going to help lead worship at a youth event for a church in hampton. she responded with, "you're a Christian? i should have known. Christians just have a certain glow and happiness, you can pick them out." that {to me} was not a pat on the back, or an ego-feeder. it was an encouragement and a challenge to let God's love flow through me so that others will notice that i am indeed carrying His compassion to a broken world.

i will give with the life that i've been given -- the title of my blog posts an age-old question. "what am i living for?" i am living, because a Master Creator chose to give me life. and because He has given me this life, i want to use it to give back.

go beyond religion -- i love this. "religion" is such a touchy subject in today's world. people worry about what's politically or "religiously" correct when it comes to God, instead of what's divinely inspired. we are called to step outside of the box of what is religiously correct and to do whatever we need to do to meet our world where it is. it means not just praying for those we do life with, but loving them. getting down on their level and just showing them love, whichever form they might need it in. it might be a meal, it might be a prayer, or it might be a listening ear. they might realize your love, they might not. i encourage you to live out the basic principles you learn in church on sundays, in your daily life monday-saturday. what basic principles, you ask? Jesus himself said the greatest commandment is to love. love others like Christ loved us. can you even imagine what our communities would look like if we all lived this out on days that didn't begin with "sun"?!

i hope this has inspired you.

...

1 corinthians 13:8,11 -- love never fails...and now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love.