a little over 2 weeks ago, i started coughing a lot. a little over a week ago, i went to the doctor. two days later, i went back to the doctor. a few days after that, i called back to let them know i was having awful side effects to the medications. yesterday, i went back to the doctor. all the while, my symptoms haven't faded from 2 weeks ago, and more things keep adding on.
yesterday's final diagnoses? a sinus infection, bronchitis, 'reactive airway disease', a UTI, and clinical anxiety. oh, and medicine reactions that are causing insomnia and lucid dreams.
to say that i feel like death would be an understatement.
what is frustrating for me, more so than the rest, is the anxiety. because i know my God is bigger than it. i know in my head and my heart that these feelings are NOT of God. i feel guilty for feeling so anxious, because i know what God promises:
"come to Me, you who are weak and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." (matthew 11:28, niv)
he says "I WILL GIVE."
not "i will try to," or "i will but it's conditional."
i like the way that the message version of the bible puts it:
"are you tired? worn out? burned out on religion? come to Me. get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. walk with Me and work with Me--watch how I do it. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (matthew 11:28-30)
sorry to get a little preachy, i tend to get carried away. :) all of that to say: because i know His word to be true, i have a guilt that is associated with the anxiety. i am constantly reminding myself to give it to Him. thank goodness He is so much stronger than me!
totally unrelated, but i had CMT on last night while i was laying on the couch, and saw a music video for waylan jennings' son, shooter jennings. it was FULL of southern colloquialisms! as miserable as i felt, i couldn't help but smile and couldn't wait to mention it in a post. the song is called "the deed and the dollar." here are some of my favorite lyrics from it--
"she got a special way/it makes me happy everyday/what do the old folks say/she's finer than frog hair split both ways...she's such a good catch/she's got me grinning/like a goat in a briar patch...she never loses sight of the important things/but she's wilder than a junebug on a string."
i had never heard any of those phrases until last week; i read all 3 of those when i was looking up fun colloquialisms. just thought it was ironic :)
something else i've had time to do since getting sick: think. think about my life. about what i really want. about what my actions say; what the words that come from my mouth have the power to do. and thankfully Christ has been right here, pointing things out to me that my little brain isn't good enough to pick up on. i just love discovering little truth nuggets in the bible! i am coming to a place of surrender with my plans for my life. i have tried to surrender them in the past, but held tight to certain parts...but surrender doesn't mean,
'take this, but don't touch that..'
'here is all of it, take it.
you can do this better than me.
i don't want to worry about it anymore.'
what has God been teaching you lately?